3 eclipse月食-第81部分

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　“You　know　that　story　in　the　Bible？”　Jacob　asked　suddenly；　still　reading　the　blank　ceiling。　“The　one　with　
the　king　and　the　two　women　fighting　over　the　baby？”　
　“Sure。　King　Solomon。”　
　“That’s　right。　King　Solomon；”　he　repeated。　“And　he　said；　cut　the　kid　in　half　。　。　。　but　it　was　only　a　test。　Just　
to　see　who　would　give　up　their　share　to　protect　it。”　
　“Yeah；　I　remember。”　
　He　looked　back　at　my　face。　“I’m　not　going　to　cut　you　in　half　anymore；　Bella。”　
　I　understood　what　he　was　saying。　He　was　telling　me　that　he　loved　me　the　most；　that　his　surrender　proved　
it。　I　wanted　to　defend　Edward；　to　tell　Jacob　how　Edward　would　do　the　same　thing　if　I　wanted；　if　I　would　let　
him。　I　was　the　one　who　wouldn’t　renounce　my　claim　there。　But　there　was　no　point　in　starting　an　argument　that　
would　only　hurt　him　more。　
　I　closed　my　eyes；　willing　myself　to　control　the　pain。　I　couldn’t　impose　that　on　him。　
　We　were　quiet　for　a　moment。　He　seemed　to　be　waiting　for　me　to　say　something；　I　was　trying　to　think　of　
something　to　say。　
　“Can　I　tell　you　what　the　worst　part　is？”　he　asked　hesitantly　when　I　said　nothing。　“Do　you　mind？　I　am　
going　to　be　good。”　
　“Will　it　help？”　I　whispered。　
　“It　might。　It　couldn’t　hurt。”　
　“What’s　the　worst　part；　then？”　
　“The　worse　part　is　knowing　what　would　have　been。”　
　“What　might　have　been。”　I　sighed。　
　“No。”　Jacob　shook　his　head。　“I’m　exactly　right　for　you；　Bella。　It　would　have　been　effortless　for　us　—　
fortable；　easy　as　breathing。　I　was　the　natural　path　your　life　would　have　taken。　。　。　。”　He　stared　into　space　
for　a　moment；　and　I　waited。　“If　the　world　was　the　way　it　was　supposed　to　be；　if　there　were　no　monsters　and　
no　magic　。　。　。”　
　I　could　see　what　he　saw；　and　I　knew　that　he　was　right。　If　the　world　was　the　sane　place　it　was　supposed　to　
be；　Jacob　and　I　would　have　been　together。　And　we　would　have　been　happy。　He　was　my　soul　mate　in　that　
world　—　would　have　been　my　soul　mate　still　if　his　claim　had　not　been　overshadowed　by　something　stronger；　
something　so　strong　that　it　could　not　exist　in　a　rational　world。　
　Was　it　out　there　for　Jacob；　too？　Something　that　would　trump　a　soul　mate？　I　had　to　believe　that　it　was。　

Two　futures；　two　soul　mates　。　。　。　too　much　for　any　one　person。　And　so　unfair　that　I　wouldn’t　be　the　only　
one　to　pay　for　it。　Jacob’s　pain　seemed　too　high　a　price。　Cringing　at　the　thought　of　that　price；　I　wondered　if　I　
would　have　wavered；　if　I　hadn’t　lost　Edward　once。　If　I　didn’t　know　what　it　was　like　to　live　without　him。　I　
wasn’t　sure。　That　knowledge　was　so　deep　a　part　of　me；　I　couldn’t　imagine　how　I　would　feel　without　it。　
“He’s　like　a　drug　for　you；　Bella。”　His　voice　was　still　gentle；　not　at　all　critical。　“I　see　that　you　can’t　live　
without　him　now。　It’s　too　late。　But　I　would　have　been　healthier　for　you。　Not　a　drug；　I　would　have　been　the　air；　
the　sun。”　
The　corner　of　my　mouth　turned　up　in　a　wistful　halfsmile。　“I　used　to　think　of　you　that　way；　you　know。　Like　
the　sun。　My　personal　sun。　You　balanced　out　the　clouds　nicely　for　me。”　
He　sighed。　“The　clouds　I　can　handle。　But　I　can’t　fight　with　an　eclipse。”　
I　touched　his　face；　laying　my　hand　against　his　cheek。　He　exhaled　at　my　touch　and　closed　his　eyes。　It　was　
very　quiet。　For　a　minute　I　could　hear　the　beating　of　his　heart；　slow　and　even。　
“Tell　me　the　worst　part　for　you；”　he　whispered。　
“I　think　that　might　be　a　bad　idea。”　
“Please。”　
“I　think　it　will　hurt。”　
“Please。”　
How　could　I　deny　him　anything　at　this　point？　
“The　worst　part　。　。　。”　I　hesitated；　and　then　let　words　spill　out　in　a　flood　of　truth。　“The　worst　part　is　that　I　
saw　the　whole　thing　—　our　whole　life。　And　I　want　it　bad；　Jake；　I　want　it　all。　I　want　to　stay　right　here　and　never　
move。　I　want　to　love　you　and　make　you　happy。　And　I　can’t；　and　it’s　killing　me。　It’s　like　Sam　and　Emily；　Jake　
—　I　never　had　a　choice。　I　always　knew　nothing　would　change。　Maybe　that’s　why　I　was　fighting　against　you　so　
hard。”　
He　seemed　to　be　concentrating　on　breathing　evenly。　
“I　knew　I　shouldn’t　have　told　you　that。”　
He　shook　his　head　slowly。　“No。　I’m　glad　you　did。　Thank　you。”　He　kissed　the　top　of　my　head；　and　then　he　
sighed。　“I’ll　be　good　now。”　
I　looked　up；　and　he　was　smiling。　
“So　you’re　going　to　get　married；　huh？”　
“We　don’t　have　to　talk　about　that。”　
“I’d　like　to　know　some　of　the　details。　I　don’t　know　when　I’ll　talk　to　you　again。”　
I　had　to　wait　for　a　minute　before　I　could　speak。　When　I　was　pretty　sure　that　my　voice　wouldn’t　break；　I　
answered　his　question。　
“It’s　not　really　my　idea　。　。　。　but；　yes。　It　means　a　lot　to　him。　I　figure；　why　not？”　
Jake　nodded。　“That’s　true。　It’s　not　such　a　big　thing　—　in　parison。”　
His　voice　was　very　calm；　very　practical。　I　stared　at　him；　curious　about　how　he　was　managing；　and　that　
ruined　it。　He　met　my　eyes　for　a　second；　and　then　twisted　his　head　away。　I　waited　to　speak　until　his　breathing　
was　under　control。　
“Yes。　In　parison；”　I　agreed。　
“How　long　do　you　have　left？”　
“That　depends　on　how　long　it　takes　Alice　to　pull　a　wedding　together。”　I　suppressed　a　groan；　imagining　
what　Alice　would　do。　
“Before　or　after？”　he　asked　quietly。　
I　knew　what　he　meant。　“After。”　
He　nodded。　This　was　a　relief　to　him。　I　wondered　how　many　sleepless　nights　the　thought　of　my　graduation　
had　given　him。　
“Are　you　scared？”　he　whispered。　
“Yes；”　I　whispered　back。　
“What　are　you　afraid　of？”　I　could　barely　hear　his　voice　now。　He　stared　down　at　my　hands。　
“Lots　of　things。”　I　worked　to　make　my　voice　lighter；　but　I　stayed　honest。　“I’ve　never　been　much　of　a　
masochist；　so　I’m　not　looking　forward　to　the　pain。　And　I　wish　there　was　some　way　to　keep　him　away　—　I　
don’t　want　him　to　suffer　with　me；　but　I　don’t　think　there’s　any　way　around　it。　There’s　dealing　with　Charlie；　

too；　and　Renée。　。　。　。　And　then　afterward；　I　hope　I’ll　be　able　to　control　myself　soon。　Maybe　I’ll　be　such　a　
menace　that　the　pack　will　have　to　take　me　out。”　
He　looked　up　with　a　disapproving　expression。　“I’d　hamstring　any　one　of　my　brothers　who　tried。”　
“Thanks。”　
He　smiled　halfheartedly。　Then　he　frowned。　“But　isn’t　it　more　dangerous　than　that？　In　all　of　the　stories；　they　
say　it’s　too　hard　。　。　。　they　lose　control　。　。　。　people　die。　。　。　。”　He　gulped。　
“No；　I’m　not　afraid　of　that。　Silly　Jacob　—　don’t　you　know　better　than　to　believe　vampire　stories？”　
He　obviously　didn’t　appreciate　my　attempt　at　humor。　
“Well；　anyway；　lots　to　worry　about。　But　worth　it；　in　the　end。”　
He　nodded　unwillingly；　and　I　knew　that　he　in　no　way　agreed　with　me。　
I　stretched　my　neck　up　to　whisper　in　his　ear；　laying　my　cheek　against　his　warm　skin。　“You　know　I　love　
you。”　
“I　know；”　he　breathed；　his　arm　tightening　automatically　around　my　waist。　“You　know　how　much　I　wish　it　
was　enough。”　
“Yes。”　
“I’ll　always　be　waiting　in　the　wings；　Bella；”　he　promised；　lightening　his　tone　and　loosening　his　arm。　I　pulled　
away　with　a　dull；　dragging　sense　of　loss；　feeling　the　tearing　separation　as　I　left　a　part　of　me　behind；　there　on　the　
bed　next　to　him。　“You’ll　always　have　that　spare　option　if　you　want　it。”　
I　made　an　effort　to　smile。　“Until　my　heart　stops　beating。”　
He　grinned　back。　“You　know；　I　think　maybe　I’d　still　take　you　—　maybe。　I　guess　that　depends　on　how　
much　you　stink。”　
“Should　I　e　back　to　see　you？　Or　would　you　rather　I　didn’t？”　
“I’ll　think　it　through　and　get　back　to　you；”　he　said。　“I　might　need　the　pany　to　keep　from　going　crazy。　
The　vampire　surgeon　extraordinaire　says　I　can’t　phase　until　he　gives　the　okay　—　it　might　mess　up　the　way　the　
bones　are　set。”　Jacob　made　a　face。　
“Be　good　and　do　what　Carlisle　tells　you　to　do。　You’ll　get　well　faster。”　
“Sure；　sure。”　
“I　wonder　when　it　will　happen；”　I　said。　“When　the　right　girl　is　going　to　catch　your　eye。”　
“Don’t　get　your　hopes　up；　Bella。”　Jacob’s　voice　was　abruptly　sour。　“Though　I’m　sure　it　would　be　a　relief　
for　you。”　
“Maybe；　maybe　not。　I　probably　won’t　think　she’s　good　enough　for　you。　I　wonder　how　jealous　I’ll　be。”　
“That　part　might　be　kind　of　fun；”　he　admitted。　
“Let　me　know　if　you　want　me　to　e　back；　and　I’ll　be　here；”　I　promised。　
With　a　sigh；　he　turned　his　cheek　toward　me。　
I　leaned　in　and　kissed　his　face　softly。　“Love　you；　Jacob。”　
He　laughed　lightly。　“Love　you　more。”　
He　watched　me　walk　out　of　his　room　with　an　unfathomable　expression　in　his　black　eyes。　

　　27。　NEEDS　


I　DIDN’T　GET　VERY　FAR　BEFORE　DRIVING　BECAME　IMPOSsible。　
When　I　couldn’t　see　anymore；　I　let　my　tires　find　the　rough　shoulder　and　rolled　slowly　to　a　stop。　I　slumped　
over　on　the　seat　and　allowed　the　weakness　I’d　fought　in　Jacob’s　room　crush　me。　It　was　worse　that　I’d　thought　
—　the　force　of　it　took　me　by　surprise。　Yes；　I　had　been　right　to　hide　this　from　Jacob。　No　one　should　ever　see　
this。　
But　I　wasn’t　alone　for　very　long　—　just　exactly　long　enough　for　Alice　to　see　me　here；　and　then　the　few　
minutes　it　took　him　to　arrive。　The　door　creaked　open；　and　he　pulled　me　into　his　arms。　
At　first　it　was　worse。　Because　there　was　that　smaller　part　of　me　—　smaller；　but　getting　louder　and　angrier　
every　minute；　screaming　at　the　rest　of　me　—　that　craved　a　different　set　of　arms。　So　then　there　was　fresh　guilt　
to　season　the　pain。　
He　didn’t　say　anything；　he　just　let　me　sob　until　I　began　to　blubber　out　Charlie’s　name。　
“Are　you　really　ready　to　go　home？”　he　asked　doubtfully。　
I　managed　to　convey；　after　several　attempts；　that　it　wasn’t　going　to　get　any　better　anytime　soon。　I　needed　
to　get　past　Charlie　before　it　got　late　enough　for　him　to　call　Billy。　
So　he　drove　me　home　—　for　once　not　even　getting　close　to　my　truck’s　internal　speed　limit　—　keeping　one　
arm　wrapped　tightly　around　me。　The　whole　way；　I　fought　for　control。　It　seemed　to　be　a　doomed　effort　at　first；　
but　I　didn’t　give　up。　Just　a　few　seconds；　I　told　myself。　Just　time　for　a　few　excuses；　or　a　few　lies；　and　then　I　
could　break　down　again。　I　had　to　be　able　to　do　that　much。　I　scrambled　around　in　my　head；　searching　
desperately　for　a　reserve　of　strength。　
There　was　just　enough　for　me　to　quiet　the　sobs　—　hold　them　back　but　not　end　them。　The　tears　didn’t　
slow。　I　couldn’t　seem　to　find　any　handle　to　ev