3 eclipse月食-第80部分

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all　the　way　to　La　Push。　
　Carlisle’s　black　Mercedes　was　not　in　front　of　Billy’s　house。　That　was　both　good　and　bad。　Obviously；　I　
needed　to　talk　to　Jacob　alone。　Yet　I　still　wished　I　could　somehow　hold　Edward’s　hand；　like　I　had　before；　
when　Jacob　was　unconscious。　Impossible。　But　I　missed　Edward　—　it　had　seemed　like　a　very　long　afternoon　
alone　with　Alice。　I　supposed　that　made　my　answer　quite　obvious。　I　already　knew　that　I　couldn’t　live　without　
Edward。　That　fact　wasn’t　going　to　make　this　any　less　painful。　
　I　tapped　quietly　on　the　front　door。　
　“e　in；　Bella；”　Billy　said。　The　roar　of　my　truck　was　easy　to　recognize。　

I　let　myself　in。　
“Hey；　Billy。　Is　he　awake？”　I　asked。　
“He　woke　up　about　a　half　hour　ago；　just　before　the　doctor　left。　Go　on　in。　I　think　he’s　been　waiting　for　
you。”　
I　flinched；　and　then　took　a　deep　breath。　“Thanks。”　
I　hesitated　at　the　door　to　Jacob’s　room；　not　sure　whether　to　knock。　I　decided　to　peek　first；　hoping　—　
coward　that　I　was　—　that　maybe　he’d　gone　back　to　sleep。　I　felt　like　I　could　use　just　a　few　more　minutes。　
I　opened　the　door　a　crack　and　leaned　hesitantly　in。　
Jacob　was　waiting　for　me；　his　face　calm　and　smooth。　The　haggard；　gaunt　look　was　gone；　but　only　a　careful　
blankness　took　its　place。　There　was　no　animation　in　his　dark　eyes。　
It　was　hard　to　look　at　his　face；　knowing　that　I　loved　him。　It　made　more　of　a　difference　than　I　would　have　
thought。　I　wondered　if　it　had　always　been　this　hard　for　him；　all　this　time。　
Thankfully；　someone　had　covered　him　with　a　quilt。　It　was　a　relief　not　to　have　to　see　the　extent　of　the　
damage。　
I　stepped　in　and　shut　the　door　quietly　behind　me。　
“Hi；　Jake；”　I　murmured。　
He　didn’t　answer　at　first。　He　looked　at　my　face　for　a　long　moment。　Then；　with　some　effort；　he　rearranged　
his　expression　into　a　slightly　mocking　smile。　
“Yeah；　I　sort　of　thought　it　might　be　like　that。”　He　sighed。　“Today　has　definitely　taken　a　turn　for　the　worse。　
First　I　pick　the　wrong　place；　miss　the　best　fight；　and　Seth　gets　all　the　glory。　Then　Leah　has　to　be　an　idiot　trying　
to　prove　she’s　as　tough　as　the　rest　of　us　and　I　have　to　be　the　idiot　who　saves　her。　And　now　this。”　He　waved　
his　left　hand　toward　me　where　I　hesitated　by　the　door。　
“How　are　you　feeling？”　I　mumbled。　What　a　stupid　question。　
“A　little　stoned。　Dr。　Fang　isn’t　sure　how　much　pain　medication　I　need；　so　he’s　going　with　trial　and　error。　
Think　he　overdid　it。”　
“But　you’re　not　in　pain。”　
“No。　At　least；　I　can’t　feel　my　injuries；”　he　said；　smiling　mockingly　again。　
I　bit　my　lip。　I　was　never　going　to　get　through　this。　Why　didn’t　anyone　ever　try　to　kill　me　when　I　wanted　to　
die？　
The　wry　humor　left　his　face；　and　his　eyes　warmed　up。　His　forehead　creased；　like　he　was　worried。　
“How　about　you？”　he　asked；　sounding　really　concerned。　“Are　you　okay？”　
“Me？”　I　stared　at　him。　Maybe　he　had　taken　too　many　drugs。　“Why？”　
“Well；　I　mean；　I　was　pretty　sure　that　he　wouldn’t　actually　hurt　you；　but　I　wasn’t　sure　how　bad　it　was　
going　to　be。　I’ve　been　going　a　little　crazy　with　worrying　about　you　ever　since　I　woke　up。　I　didn’t　know　if　you　
were　going　to　be　allowed　to　visit　or　anything。　The　suspense　was　terrible。　How　did　it　go？　Was　he　mean　to　you？　
I’m　sorry　if　it　was　bad。　I　didn’t　mean　for　you　to　have　to　go　through　that　alone。　I　was　thinking　I’d　be　there。　。　。　。”　
It　took　me　a　minute　to　even　understand。　He　babbled　on；　looking　more　and　more　awkward；　until　I　got　
what　he　was　saying。　Then　I　hurried　to　reassure　him。　
“No；　no；　Jake！　I’m　fine。　Too　fine；　really。　Of　course　he　wasn’t　mean。　I　wish！”　
His　eyes　widened　in　what　looked　like　horror。　“What？”　
“He　wasn’t　even　mad　at　me　—　he　wasn’t　even　mad　at　you！　He’s　so　unselfish　it　makes　me　feel　even　
worse。　I　wish　he　would　have　yelled　at　me　or　something。　It’s　not　like　I　don’t　deserve　。　。　。　well；　much　worse　that　
getting　yelled　at。　But　he　doesn’t　care。　He　just　wants　me　to　be　happy。”　
“He　wasn’t　mad？”　Jacob　asked；　incredulous。　
“No。　He　was　。　。　。　much　too　kind。”　
Jacob　stared　for　another　minute；　and　then　he　suddenly　frowned。　“Well；　damn！”　he　growled。　
“What’s　wrong；　Jake？　Does　it　hurt？”　My　hands　fluttered　uselessly　as　I　looked　around　for　his　medication。　
“No；”　he　grumbled　in　a　disgusted　tone。　“I　can’t　believe　this！　He　didn’t　give　you　an　ultimatum　or　anything？”　
“Not　even　close　—　what’s　wrong　with　you？”　
He　scowled　and　shook　his　head。　“I　was　sort　of　counting　on　his　reaction。　Damn　it　all。　He’s　better　than　I　
thought。”　
The　way　he　said　it；　though　angrier；　reminded　me　of　Edward’s　tribute　to　Jacob’s　lack　of　ethics　in　the　tent　

this　morning。　Which　meant　that　Jake　was　still　hoping；　still　fighting。　I　winced　as　that　stabbed　deep。　
“He’s　not　playing　any　game；　Jake；”　I　said　quietly。　
“You　bet　he　is。　He’s　playing　every　bit　as　hard　as　I　am；　only　he　knows　what　he’s　doing　and　I　don’t。　Don’t　
blame　me　because　he’s　a　better　manipulator　than　I　am　—　I　haven’t　been　around　long　enough　to　learn　all　his　
tricks。”　
“He　isn’t　manipulating　me！”　
“Yes；　he　is！　When　are　you　going　to　wake　up　and　realize　that　he’s　not　a　perfect　as　you　think　he　is？”　
“At　least　he　didn’t　threaten　to　kill　himself　to　make　me　kiss　him；”　I　snapped。　As　soon　as　the　words　were　
out；　I　flushed　with　chagrin。　“Wait。　Pretend　that　didn’t　slip　out。　I　swore　to　myself　that　I　wasn’t　going　to　say　
anything　about　that。”　
He　took　a　deep　breath。　When　he　spoke；　he　was　calmer。　“Why　not？”　
“Because　I　didn’t　e　here　to　blame　you　for　anything。”　
“It’s　true；　though；”　he　said　evenly。　“I　did　do　that。”　
“I　don’t　care；　Jake。　I’m　not　mad。”　
He　smiled。　“I　don’t　care；　either。　I　knew　you’d　forgive　me；　and　I’m　glad　I　did　it。　I’d　do　it　again。　At　least　I　
have　that　much。　At　least　I　made　you　see　that　you　do　love　me。　That’s　worth　something。”　
“Is　it？　Is　it　really　better　than　if　I　was　still　in　the　dark？”　
“Don’t　you　think　you　ought　to　know　how　you　feel　—　just　so　that　it　doesn’t　take　you　by　surprise　someday　
when　it’s　too　late　and　you’re　a　married　vampire？”　
I　shook　my　head。　“No　—　I　didn’t　mean　better　for　me。　I　meant　better　for　you。　Does　it　make　things　better　
or　worse　for　you；　having　me　know　that　I’m　in　love　with　you？　When　it　doesn’t　make　a　difference　either　way。　
Would　it　have　been　better；　easier　for　you；　if　I　never　clued　in？”　
He　took　my　question　as　seriously　as　I’d　meant　it；　thinking　carefully　before　he　answered。　“Yes；　it’s　better　
to　have　you　know；”　hefinally　decided。　“If　you　hadn’t　figured　it　out　。　。　。　I’d　have　always　wondered　if　your　
decision　would　have　been　different　if　you　had。　Now　I　know。　I　did　everything　I　could。”　He　dragged　in　an　
unsteady　breath；　and　closed　his　eyes。　
This　time　I　did　not　—　could　not　—　resist　the　urge　to　fort　him。　I　crossed　the　small　room　and　kneeled　
by　his　head；　afraid　to　sit　on　the　bed　in　case　I　jostled　it　and　hurt　him；　and　leaned　in　to　touch　my　forehead　to　his　
cheek。　
Jacob　sighed；　and　put　his　hand　on　my　hair；　holding　me　there。　
“I’m　so　sorry；　Jake。”　
“I　always　knew　this　was　a　long　shot。　It’s　not　your　fault；　Bella。”　
“Not　you；　too；”　I　moaned。　“Please。”　
He　pulled　away　to　look　at　me。　“What？”　
“It　is　my　fault。　And　I’m　so　sick　of　being　told　it’s　not。”　
He　grinned。　It　didn’t　touch　his　eyes。　“You　want　me　to　haul　you　over　the　coals？”　
“Actually　。　。　。　I　think　I　do。”　
He　pursed　his　lips　as　he　measured　how　much　I　meant　it。　A　smile　flashed　across　his　face　briefly；　and　then　
he　twisted　his　expression　into　a　fierce　scowl。　
“Kissing　me　back　like　that　was　inexcusable。”　He　spit　the　words　at　me。　“If　you　knew　you　were　just　going　
to　take　it　back；　maybe　you　shouldn’t　have　been　quite　so　convincing　about　it。”　
I　winced　and　nodded。　“I’m　so　sorry。”　
“Sorry　doesn’t　make　anything　better；　Bella。　What　were　you　thinking？”　
“I　wasn’t；”　I　whispered。　
“You　should　have　told　me　to　go　die。　That’s　what　you　want。”　
“No；　Jacob；”　I　whimpered；　fighting　against　the　budding　tears。　“No！　Never。”　
“You’re　not　crying？”　he　demanded；　his　voice　suddenly　back　to　its　normal　tone。　He　twitched　impatiently　on　
the　bed。　
“Yeah；”　I　muttered；　laughing　weakly　at　myself　through　the　tears　that　were　suddenly　sobs。　
He　shifted　his　weight；　throwing　his　good　leg　off　the　bed　as　if　he　were　going　to　try　to　stand。　
“What　are　you　doing？”　I　demanded　through　the　tears。　“Lie　down；　you　idiot；　you’ll　hurt　yourself！”　I　jumped　
to　my　feet　and　pushed　his　good　shoulder　down　with　two　hands。　

　He　surrendered；　leaning　back　with　a　gasp　of　pain；　but　he　grabbed　me　around　my　waist　and　pulled　me　
down　on　the　bed；　against　his　good　side。　I　curled　up　there；　trying　to　stifle　the　silly　sobs　against　his　hot　skin。　
　“I　can’t　believe　you’re　crying；”　he　mumbled。　“You　know　I　just　said　those　things　because　you　wanted　me　
to。　I　didn’t　mean　them。”　His　hand　rubbed　against　my　shoulders。　
　“I　know。”　I　took　a　deep；　ragged　breath；　trying　to　control　myself。　How　did　I　end　up　being　the　one　crying　
while　he　did　the　forting？　“It’s　all　still　true；　though。　Thanks　for　saying　it　out　loud。”　
　“Do　I　get　points　for　making　you　cry？”　
　“Sure；　Jake。”　I　tried　to　smile。　“As　many　as　you　want。”　
　“Don’t　worry；　Bella；　honey。　It’s　all　going　to　work　out。”　
　“I　don’t　see　how；”　I　muttered。　
　He　patted　the　top　of　my　head。　“I’m　going　to　give　in　and　be　good。”　
　“More　games？”　I　wondered；　tilting　my　chin　so　that　I　could　see　his　face。　
　“Maybe。”　He　laughed　with　a　bit　of　effort；　and　then　winced。　“But　I’m　going　to　try。”　
　I　frowned。　
　“Don’t　be　so　pessimistic；”　he　plained。　“Give　me　a　little　credit。”　
　“What　do　you　mean　by　‘be　good’？”　
　“I’ll　be　your　friend；　Bella；”　he　said　quietly。　“I　won’t　ask　for　more　than　that。”　
　“I　think　it’s　too　late　for　that；　Jake。　How　can　we　be　friends；　when　we　love　each　other　like　this？”　
　He　looked　at　the　ceiling；　his　stare　intent；　as　if　he　were　reading　something　that　was　written　there。　“Maybe　。　。　
。　it　will　have　to　be　a　longdistance　friendship。”　
　I　clenched　my　teeth　together；　glad　he　wasn’t　looking　at　my　face；　fighting　against　the　sobs　that　threatened　to　
overtake　me　again。　I　needed　to　be　strong；　and　I　had　no　idea　how。　。　。　。　
　“You　know　that　story　in　the　Bible？”　Jacob　asked　suddenly；　still　readin