3 eclipse月食-第67部分

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“Because　my　hair　is　longer；”　he　said；　amused　—　my　question　hadn’t　offended　him；　at　least。　He　shook　his　
head　so　that　his　unkempt　hair　—　grown　out　to　his　chin　now　—　tickled　my　cheek。　
“Oh。”　I　was　surprised；　but　it　made　sense。　So　that　was　why　they’d　all　cropped　their　hair　in　the　beginning；　
when　they　joined　the　pack。　“Then　why　don’t　you　cut　it？　Do　you　like　to　be　shaggy？”　
He　didn’t　answer　right　away　this　time；　and　Edward　laughed　under　his　breath。　
“Sorry；”　I　said；　pausing　to　yawn。　“I　didn’t　mean　to　pry。　You　don’t　have　to　tell　me。”　
Jacob　made　an　annoyed　sound。　“Oh；　he’ll　tell　you　anyway；　so　I　might　as　well。　。　。　。　I　was　growing　my　hair　
out　because　。　。　。　it　seemed　like　you　liked　it　better　long。”　
“Oh。”　I　felt　awkward。　“I；　er；　like　it　both　ways；　Jake。　You　don’t　need　to　be　。　。　。　inconvenienced。”　
He　shrugged。　“Turns　out　it　was　very　convenient　tonight；　so　don’t　worry　about　it。”　
I　didn’t　have　anything　else　to　say。　As　the　silence　lengthened；　my　eyelids　drooped　and　shut；　and　my　
breathing　grew　slower；　more　even。　
“That’s　right；　honey；　go　to　sleep；”　Jacob　whispered。　
I　sighed；　content；　already　halfunconscious。　
“Seth　is　here；”　Edward　muttered　to　Jacob；　and　I　suddenly　understood　the　point　of　the　howling。　
“Perfect。　Now　you　can　keep　an　eye　on　everything　else；　while　I　take　care　of　your　girlfriend　for　you。”　
Edward　didn’t　answer；　but　I　groaned　groggily。　“Stop　it；”　I　muttered。　
It　was　quiet　then；　inside　at　least。　Outside；　the　wind　shrieked　insanely　through　the　trees。　The　shimmying　of　
the　tent　made　it　hard　to　sleep。　The　poles　would　suddenly　jerk　and　quiver；　pulling　me　back　from　the　edge　of　
unconsciousness　each　time　I　was　close　to　slipping　under。　I　felt　so　bad　for　the　wolf；　the　boy　that　was　stuck　
outside　in　the　snow。　
My　mind　wandered　as　I　waited　for　sleep　to　find　me。　This　warm　little　space　made　me　think　of　the　early　
days　with　Jacob；　and　I　remembered　how　it　used　to　be　when　he　was　my　replacement　sun；　the　warmth　that　
made　my　empty　life　livable。　It　had　been　a　while　since　I’d　thought　of　Jake　that　way；　but　here　he　was；　warming　
me　again。　
“Please！”　Edward　hissed。　“Do　you　mind！”　
“What？”　Jacob　whispered　back；　his　tone　surprised。　
“Do　you　think　you　could　attempt　to　control　your　thoughts？”　Edward’s　low　whisper　was　furious。　
“No　one　said　you　had　to　listen；”　Jacob　muttered；　defiant；　yet　still　embarrassed。　“Get　out　of　my　head。”　
“I　wish　I　could。　You　have　no　idea　how　loud　your　little　fantasies　are。　It’s　like　you’re　shouting　them　at　me。”　
“I’ll　try　to　keep　it　down；”　Jacob　whispered　sarcastically。　
There　was　a　brief　moment　of　silence。　
“Yes；”　Edward　answered　an　unspoken　thought　in　a　murmur　so　low　I　barely　made　it　out。　“I’m　jealous　of　
that；　too。”　
“I　figured　it　was　like　that；”　Jacob　whispered　smugly。　“Sort　of　evens　the　playing　field　up　a　little；　doesn’t　it？”　
Edward　chuckled。　“In　your　dreams。”　
“You　know；　she　could　still　change　her　mind；”　Jacob　taunted　him。　“Considering　all　the　things　I　could　do　
with　her　that　you　can’t。　At　least；　not　without　killing　her；　that　is。”　
“Go　to　sleep；　Jacob；”　Edward　murmured。　“You’re　starting　to　get　on　my　nerves。”　
“I　think　I　will。　I’m　really　very　fortable。”　
Edward　didn’t　answer。　

I　was　too　far　gone　to　ask　them　to　stop　talking　about　me　like　I　wasn’t　there。　The　conversation　had　taken　on　
a　dreamlike　quality　to　me；　and　I　wasn’t　sure　I　was　really　awake。　
“Maybe　I　would；”　Edward　said　after　a　moment；　answering　a　question　I　hadn’t　heard。　
“But　would　you　be　honest？”　
“You　can　always　ask　and　see。”　Edward’s　tone　made　me　wonder　if　I　was　missing　out　on　a　joke。　
“Well；　you　see　inside　my　head　—　let　me　see　inside　yours　tonight；　it’s　only　fair；”　Jacob　said。　
“Your　head　is　full　of　questions。　Which　one　do　you　want　me　to　answer？”　
“The　jealousy　。　。　。　it　has　to　be　eating　at　you。　You　can’t　be　as　sure　of　yourself　as　you　seem。　Unless　you　
have　no　emotions　at　all。”　
“Of　course　it　is；”　Edward　agreed；　no　longer　amused。　“Right　now　it’s　so　bad　that　I　can　barely　control　my　
voice。　Of　course；　it’s　even　worse　when　she’s　away　from　me；　with　you；　and　I　can’t　see　her。”　
“Do　you　think　about　it　all　the　time？”　Jacob　whispered。　“Does　it　make　it　hard　to　concentrate　when　she’s　
not　with　you？”　
“Yes　and　no；”　Edward　said；　he　seemed　determined　to　answer　honestly。　“My　mind　doesn’t　work　quite　the　
same　as　yours。　I　can　think　of　many　more　things　at　one　time。　Of　course；　that　means　that　I’m　always　able　to　
think　of　you；　always　able　to　wonder　if　that’s　where　her　mind　is；　when　she’s　quiet　and　thoughtful。”　
They　were　both　still　for　a　minute。　
“Yes；　I　would　guess　that　she　thinks　about　you　often；”　Edward　murmured　in　response　to　Jacob’s　thoughts。　
“More　often　than　I　like。　She　worries　that　you’re　unhappy。　Not　that　you　don’t　know　that。　Not　that　you　don’t　
use　that。”　
“I　have　to　use　whatever　I　can；”　Jacob　muttered。　“I’m　not　working　with　your　advantages　—　advantages　
like　her　knowing　she’s　in　love　with　you。”　
“That　helps；”　Edward　agreed　in　a　mild　tone。　
Jacob　was　defiant。　“She’s　in　love　with　me；　too；　you　know。”　
Edward　didn’t　answer。　
Jacob　sighed。　“But　she　doesn’t　know　it。”　
“I　can’t　tell　you　if　you’re　right。”　
“Does　that　bother　you？　Do　you　wish　you　could　see　what　she’s　thinking；　too？”　
“Yes　。　。　。　and　no；　again。　She　likes　it　better　this　way；　and；　though　it　sometimes　drives　me　insane；　I’d　rather　
she　was　happy。”　
The　wind　ripped　around　the　tent；　shaking　it　like　an　earthquake。　Jacob’s　arms　tightened　around　me　
protectively。　
“Thank　you；”　Edward　whispered。　“Odd　as　this　might　sound；　I　suppose　I’m　glad　you’re　here；　Jacob。”　
“You　mean；　‘as　much　as　I’d　love　to　kill　you；　I’m　glad　she’s　warm；’　right？”　
“It’s　an　unfortable　truce；　isn’t　it？”　
Jacob’s　whisper　was　suddenly　smug。　“I　knew　you　were　just　as　crazy　jealous　as　I　am。”　
“I’m　not　such　a　fool　as　to　wear　it　on　my　sleeve　like　you　do。　It　doesn’t　help　your　case；　you　know。”　
“You　have　more　patience　than　I　do。”　
“I　should。　I’ve　had　a　hundred　years　to　gain　it。　A　hundred　years　of　waiting　for　her。”　
“So　。　。　。　at　what　point　did　you　decide　to　play　the　very　patient　good　guy？”　
“When　I　saw　how　much　it　was　hurting　her　to　make　her　choose。　It’s　not　usually　this　difficult　to　control。　I　
can　smother　the　。　。　。　less　civilized　feelings　I　may　have　for　you　fairly　easily　most　of　the　time。　Sometimes　I　think　
she　sees　through　me；　but　I　can’t　be　sure。”　
“I　think　you　were　just　worried　that　if　you　really　forced　her　to　choose；　she　might　not　choose　you。”　
Edward　didn’t　answer　right　away。　“That　was　a　part　of　it；”　he　finally　admitted。　“But　only　a　small　part。　We　
all　have　our　moments　of　doubt。　Mostly　I　was　worried　that　she’d　hurt　herself　trying　to　sneak　away　to　see　you。　
After　I’d　accepted　that　she　was　more　or　less　safe　with　you　—　as　safe　as　Bella　ever　is　—　it　seemed　best　to　
stop　driving　her　to　extremes。”　
Jacob　sighed。　“I’d　tell　her　all　of　this；　but　she’d　never　believe　me。”　
“I　know。”　It　sounded　like　Edward　was　smiling。　
“You　think　you　know　everything；”　Jacob　muttered。　
“I　don’t　know　the　future；”　Edward　said；　his　voice　suddenly　unsure。　

There　was　a　long　pause。　
“What　would　you　do　if　she　changed　her　mind？”　Jacob　asked。　
“I　don’t　know　that　either。”　
Jacob　chuckled　quietly。　“Would　you　try　to　kill　me？”　Sarcastic　again；　as　if　doubting　Edward’s　ability　to　do　
it。　
“No。”　
“Why　not？”　Jacob’s　tone　was　still　jeering。　
“Do　you　really　think　I　would　hurt　her　that　way？”　
Jacob　hesitated　for　a　second；　and　then　sighed。　“Yeah；　you’re　right。　I　know　that’s　right。　But　sometimes　。　。　
。”　
“Sometimes　it’s　an　intriguing　idea。”　
Jacob　pressed　his　face　into　the　sleeping　bag　to　muffle　his　laugher。　“Exactly；”　he　eventually　agreed。　
What　a　strange　dream　this　was。　I　wondered　if　it　was　the　relentless　wind　that　made　me　imagine　all　the　
whispering。　Only　the　wind　was　screaming　rather　than　whispering　。　。　。　
“What　is　it　like？　Losing　her？”　Jacob　asked　after　a　quiet　moment；　and　there　was　no　hint　of　humor　in　his　
suddenly　hoarse　voice。　“When　you　thought　that　you’d　lost　her　forever？　How　did　you　。　。　。　cope？”　
“That’s　very　difficult　for　me　to　talk　about。”　
Jacob　waited。　
“There　were　two　different　times　that　I　thought　that。”　Edward　spoke　each　word　just　a　little　slower　than　
normal。　“The　first　time；　when　I　thought　I　could　leave　her　。　。　。　that　was　。　。　。　almost　bearable。　Because　I　thought　
she　would　forget　me　and　it　would　be　like　I　hadn’t　touched　her　life。　For　over　six　months　I　was　able　to　stay　
away；　to　keep　my　promise　that　I　wouldn’t　interfere　again。　It　was　getting　close　—　I　was　fighting　but　I　knew　I　
wasn’t　going　to　win；　I　would　have　e　back　。　。　。　just　to　check　on　her。　That’s　what　I　would　have　told　myself；　
anyway。　And　if　I’d　found　her　reasonably　happy　。　。　。　I　like　to　think　that　I　could　have　gone　away　again。　
“But　she　wasn’t　happy。　And　I　would　have　stayed。　That’s　how　she　convinced　me　to　stay　with　her　
tomorrow；　of　course。　You　were　wondering　about　that　before；　what　could　possibly　motivate　me　。　。　。　what　she　
was　feeling　so　needlessly　guilty　about。　She　reminded　me　of　what　it　did　to　her　when　I　left　—　what　it　still　does　to　
her　when　I　leave。　She　feels　horrible　about　bringing　that　up；　but　she’s　right。　I’ll　never　be　able　to　make　up　for　
that；　but　I’ll　never　stop　trying　anyway。”　
Jacob　didn’t　respond　for　a　moment；　listening　to　the　storm　or　digesting　what　he’d　heard；　I　didn’t　know　
which。　
“And　the　other　time　—　when　you　thought　she　was　dead？”　Jacob　whispered　roughly。　
“Yes。”　Edward　answered　a　different　question。　“It　will　probably　feel　like　that　to　you；　won’t　it？　The　way　you　
perceive　us；　you　might　not　be　able　to　see　her　as　Bella　anymore。　But　that’s　who　she’ll　be。”　
“That’s　not　what　I　asked。”　
Edward’s　voice　came　back　fast　and　hard。　“I　can’t　tell　you　how　it　felt。　There　aren’t　words。”　
Jacob’s　arms　flexed　around　me。　
“But　you　left　because　you　didn’t　want　to　make　her　a　bloodsucker。　You　want　her　to　be　human。”　
Edward　spoke　slowly。　“Jacob；　from　the　second　that　I　realized　that　I　loved　her；　I　knew　there　were　only　
four　possibilities。　The　first　alternative；　the　best　one　for　Bella；　would　be　if　she　didn’t　feel　as　stron