4 breaking dawn破晓-第14部分

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staining　it。　〃Don't　ever　say　that。〃　

He　didn't　open　his　eyes；　it　was　like　he　didn't　want　to　see　me。　

〃Look　at　yourself；　Bella。　Then　tell　me　I'm　not　a　monster。〃　

Wounded；　shocked；　I　followed　his　instruction　unthinkingly　and　then　gasped。　

What　had　happened　to　me？　I　couldn't　make　sense　of　the　fluffy　white　snow　that　clung　to　my　skin。　I　shook　
my　head；　and　a　cascade　of　white　drifted　out　of　my　hair。　

I　pinched　one　soft　white　bit　between　my　fingers。　It　was　a　piece　of　down。　

〃Why　am　I　covered　in　feathers？〃　I　asked；　confused。　

He　exhaled　impatiently。　〃I　bit　a　pillow。　Or　two。　That's　not　what　I'm　talking　about。〃　

〃You。。。　bit　a　pillow？　Why？〃　

〃Look；　Bella！〃　he　almost　growled。　He　took　my　hand—very　gingerly—and　stretched　my　arm　out。　〃Look　
at　that〃　

This　time；　I　saw　what　he　meant。　

Under　the　dusting　of　feathers；　large　purplish　bruises　were　beginning　to　blossom　across　the　pale　skin　of　
my　arm。　My　eyes　followed　the　trail　they　made　up　to　my　shoulder；　and　then　down　across　my　ribs。　I　pulled　
my　hand　free　to　poke　at　a　discoloration　on　my　left　forearm；　watching　it　fade　where　I　touched　and　then　
reappear。　It　throbbed　a　little。　

So　lightly　that　he　was　barely　touching　me；　Edward　placed　his　hand　against　the　bruises　on　my　arm；　one　at　
a　time；　matching　his　long　fingers　to　the　patterns。　

〃Oh；〃　I　said。　

I　tried　to　remember　this—to　remember　pain—but　I　couldn't。　I　couldn't　recall　a　moment　when　his　hold　
had　been　too　tight；　his　hands　too　hard　against　me。　I　only　remembered　wanting　him　to　hold　me　tighter；　and　
being　pleased　when　he　did。。。。　

〃I'm。。。　so　sorry；　Bella；〃　he　whispered　while　I　stared　at　the　bruises。　〃I　knew　better　than　this。　I　should　not　
have—〃　He　made　a　low；　revolted　sound　in　the　back　of　his　throat。　〃I　am　more　sorry　than　I　can　tell　you。〃　

He　threw　his　arm　over　his　face　and　became　perfectly　still。　

I　sat　for　one　long　moment　in　total　astonishment；　trying　to　e　to　terms—now　that　I　understood　it—with　
his　misery。　It　was　so　contrary　to　the　way　that　I　felt　that　it　was　difficult　to　process。　




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Theshock　wore　off　slowly；　leaving　nothing　in　its　absence。　Emptiness。　My　mind　was　blank。　I　couldn't　
think　of　what　to　say。　How　could　I　explain　it　to　him　in　the　right　way？　How　could　I　make　him　as　happy　as　I　
was—or　as　I　had　been；　a　moment　ago？　

I　touched　his　arm；　and　he　didn't　respond。　I　wrapped　my　fingers　around　his　wrist　and　tried　to　pry　his　arm　
off　his　face；　but　I　could　have　been　yanking　on　a　sculpture　for　all　the　good　it　did　me。　

〃Edward。〃　

He　didn't　move。　

〃Edward？〃　

Nothing。　So；　this　would　be　a　monologue；　then。　

〃I'mnot　sorry；　Edward。　I'm。。。　I　can't　even　tell　you。　I'm　so　happy。　That　doesn't　cover　it。　Don't　be　angry。　
Don't。　I'm　really　f—〃　

〃Do　not　say　the　word　fine。〃　His　voice　was　ice　cold。　〃If　you　value　my　sanity；　do　not　say　that　you　are　fine。〃　

〃But　I　am：　I　whispered。　

〃Bella；〃　he　almost　moaned。　〃Don't。〃　

〃No。　You　don't；　Edward。〃　

He　moved　his　arm；　his　gold　eyes　watched　me　warily。　

〃Don't　ruin　this；〃　I　told　him。　〃I。　Am。　Happy。〃　

〃I've　already　ruined　this；〃　he　whispered。　

〃Cut　it　out；〃　I　snapped。　

I　heard　his　teeth　grind　together。　

〃Ugh！〃　I　groaned。　〃Why　can't　you　just　read　my　mind　already？　It's　so　inconvenient　to　be　a　mental　mute！〃　

His　eyes　widened　a　little　bit；　distracted　in　spite　of　himself。　

〃That's　a　new　one。　You　love　that　I　can't　read　your　mind。〃　

〃Not　today。〃　

He　stared　at　me。　〃Why？〃　

I　threw　my　hands　up　in　frustration；　feeling　an　ache　in　my　shoulder　that　I　ignored。　My　palms　fell　back　
against　his　chest　with　a　sharp　smack。　〃Because　all　this　angst　would　be　pletely　unnecessary　if　you　
could　see　how　I　feel　right　now！　Or　five　minutes　ago；　anyway。　I　was　perfectly　happy。　Totally　and　
pletely　blissed　out。　Now—well；　I'm　sort　of　pissed；　actually。〃　




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〃You　should　be　angry　at　me。〃　

〃Well；　I　am。　Does　that　make　you　feel　better？〃　

He　sighed。　〃No。　I　don't　think　anything　could　make　me　feel　better　now。〃　

〃T？af；〃　I　snapped。　〃That　right　there　is　why　I'm　angry。　You　are　killing　my　buzz；　Edward。〃　

He　rolled　his　eyes　and　shook　his　head。　

I　took　a　deep　breath。　I　was　feeling　more　of　the　soreness　now；　but　it　wasn't　that　bad。　Sort　of　like　the　day　
after　lifting　weights。　I'd　done　that　with　Renee　during　one　of　her　fitness　obsessions。　Sixtyfive　lunges　with　
ten　pounds　in　each　hand。　I　couldn't　walk　the　next　day。　This　was　not　as　painful　as　that　had　been　by　half。　

I　swallowed　my　irritation　and　tried　to　make　my　voice　soothing。　〃We　knew　this　was　going　to　be　tricky。　I　
thought　that　was　assumed。　And　then—well；　it　was　a　lot　easier　than　I　thought　it　would　be。　And　this　is　
really　nothing。〃　I　brushed　my　fingers　along　my　arm。　〃I　think　for　a　first　time；　not　knowing　what　to　expect；　
we　did　amazing。　With　a　little　practice—〃　

His　expression　was　suddenly　so　livid　that　I　broke　off　midsentence。　

〃Assumed？　Did　you　expect　this；　Bella？　Were　you　anticipating　that　I　would　hurt　you？　Were　you　thinking　
it　would　be　worse？　Do　you　consider　the　experiment　a　success　because　you　can　walk　away　from　it？　No　
broken　bones—that　

equals　a　victory？〃　

I　waited；　letting　him　get　it　all　out。　Then　I　waited　some　more　while　his　breathing　went　back　to　normal。　
When　his　eyes　were　calm；　I　answered；　speaking　with　slow　precision。　

〃I　didn't　know　what　to　expect—but　I　definitely　did　not　expect　how。。。　how。。。　just　wonderful　and　perfect　it　
was。〃　My　voice　dropped　to　a　whisper；　my　eyes　slipped　from　his　face　down　to　my　hands。　〃I　mean；　I　don't　
know　how　it　was　for　you；　but　it　was　like　that　for　me。〃　

A　cool　finger　pulled　my　chin　back　up。　

〃Is　that　what　you're　worried　about？〃　he　said　through　his　teeth。　〃That　I　didn't　enjoy　myself？〃　

My　eyes　stayed　down。　〃I　know　it's　not　the　same。　You're　not　human。　I　just　was　trying　to　explain　that；　for　
a　human；　well；　I　can't　imagine　that　life　gets　any　better　than　that。〃　

He　was　quiet　for　so　long　that；　finally；　I　had　to　look　up。　His　face　was　softer　now；　thoughtful。　

〃It　seems　that　I　have　more　to　apologize　for。〃　He　frowned。　〃I　didn't　dream　that　you　would　construe　the　
way　I　feel　about　what　I　did　to　you　to　mean　that　last　night　wasn't。。。　well；　the　best　night　of　my　existence。　
But　I　don't　want　to　think　of　it　that　way；　not　when　you　were　。。。〃　

My　lips　curved　up　a　little　at　the　edges。　〃Really？　The　best　ever？〃　I　asked　in　a　small　voice。　

He　took　my　face　between　his　hands；　still　introspective。　〃I　spoke　to　Carlisle　after　you　and　I　made　our　
bargain；　hoping　he　could　help　me。　Of　course　he　warned　me　that　this　would　be　very　dangerous　for　you。〃　



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A　shadow　crossed　his　expression。　〃He　had　faith　in　me；　though—faith　I　didn't　deserve。〃　

I　started　to　protest；　and　he　put　two　fingers　over　my　lips　before　I　could　ment。　

〃I　also　asked　him　what　　should　expect。　I　didn't　know　what　it　would　be　for　me。。。　what　with　my　being　a　
vampire。〃　He　smiled　halfheartedly。　〃Carlisle　told　me　it　was　a　very　powerful　thing；　like　nothing　else。　He　
told　me　physical　love　was　something　I　should　not　treat　lightly。　With　our　rarely　changing　temperaments；　
strong　emotions　can　alter　us　in　permanent　ways。　But　he　said　I　did　not　need　to　worry　about　that　part　
—you　had　already　altered　me　so　pletely。〃　This　time　his　smile　was　more　genuine。　

〃I　spoke　to　my　brothers；　too。　They　told　me　it　was　a　very　great　pleasure。　Second　only　to　drinking　human　
blood。〃　A　line　creased　his　brow。　〃But　I've　tasted　your　blood；　and　there　could　be　no　blood　more　potent　
than　that。。。　I　don't　think　they　were　wrong；　really。　Just　that　it　was　different　for　us。　Something　more。〃　

〃It　was　more。　It　was　everything。〃　

〃That　doesn't　change　the　fact　that　it　was　wrong。　Even　if　it　were　possible　that　you　really　did　feel　that　way。〃　

〃What　does　that　mean？　Do　you　think　I'm　making　this　up？　Why？〃　

〃To　ease　my　guilt。　I　can't　ignore　the　evidence；　Bella。　Or　your　history　of　trying　to　let　me　off　the　hook　
when　I　make　mistakes。〃　

I　grabbed　his　chin　and　leaned　forward　so　that　our　faces　were　inches　apart。　〃You　listen　to　me；　Edward　
Cullen。　I　am　not　pretending　anything　for　your　sake；　okay？　I　didn't　even　know　there　was　a　reason　to　make　
you　feel　better　until　you　started　being　all　miserable。　I've　never　been　so　happy　in　all　my　life—I　wasn't　this　
happy　when　you　decided　that　

you　loved　me　more　than　you　wanted　to　kill　me；　or　the　first　morning　I　woke　up　and　you　were　there　
waiting　for　me。。。。　Not　when　I　heard　your　voice　in　the　ballet　studio〃—he　flinched　at　the　old　memory　of　my　
close　call　with　a　hunting　vampire；　but　I　didn't　pause—〃or　when　you　said　i　do'　and　I　realized　that；　
somehow；　I　get　to　keep　you　forever。　Those　are　the　happiest　memories　I　have；　and　this　is　better　than　any　
of　it。　So　just　deal　with　it。〃　

He　touched　the　frown　line　between　my　eyebrows。　Tm　making　you　unhappy　now。　I　don't　want　to　do　
that。〃　

〃Then　don't　you　be　unhappy。　That's　the　only　thing　that's　wrong　here。〃　

His　eyes　tightened；　then　he　took　a　deep　breath　and　nodded。　〃You're　right。　The　past　is　past　and　I　can't　
do　anything　to　change　it。　There's　no　sense　in　letting　my　mood　sour　this　time　for　you。　HI　do　whatever　I　can　
to　make　you　happy　now。〃　

I　examined　his　face　suspiciously；　and　he　gave　me　a　serene　smile。　

〃Whatever　makes　me　happy？〃　

My　stomach　growled　at　the　same　time　that　I　asked。　

〃You're　hungry；〃　he　said　quickly。　He　was　swiftly　out　of　the　bed；　stirring　up　a　cloud　of　feathers。　Which　
reminded　me。　



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〃So；　why　exactly　did　you　decide　to　ruin　Esme's　pillows？〃　I　asked；　sitting　up　and　shaking　more　down　
from　my　hair。　

He　had　already　pulled　on　a　pair　of　loose　khaki　pants；　and　he　stood　by　the　door；　rumpling　his　hair；　
dislodging　a　few　feathers　of　his　own。　

〃I　don't　know　if　I　decided　to　do　anything　last　night；〃　he　muttered。　〃We're　just　lucky　it　was　the　pillows　
and　not　you。〃　He　inhaled　deeply　and　then　shook　his　head；　as　if　shaking　off　the　dark　thought。　A　very　
authenticlooking　smile　spread　across　his　face；　but　I　guess