new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第47部分

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them。　
Billy　went　back　to　his　breakfast；　I　sat　down　on　the　sofa　and　flipped　aimlessly　
though　the　TV　channels。　
That　didn't　last　long。　I　started　to　feel　closed　in　by　the　small　room；　
claustrophobic；　upset　by　the　fact　that　I　
couldn't　see　out　the　curtained　windows。　
〃I'll　be　at　the　beach；〃　I　told　Billy　abruptly；　and　hurried　out　the　door。　
Being　outside　didn't　help　as　much　as　I'd　hoped。　The　clouds　pushed　down　with　an　
invisible　weight　that　
kept　the　claustrophobia　from　easing。　The　forest　seemed　strangely　vacant　as　I　
walked　toward　the　beach。　I　
didn't　see　any　animals—no　birds；　no　squirrels。　I　couldn't　hear　any　birds；　
either。　The　silence　was　eerie；　
there　wasn't　even　the　sound　of　wind　in　the　trees。　
I　knew　it　was　all　just　a　product　of　the　weather；　but　it　still　made　me　edgy。　
The　heavy；　warm　pressure　of　
the　atmosphere　was　perceptible　even　to　my　weak　human　senses；　and　it　hinted　at　
something　major　in　the　
storm　department。　A　glance　at　the　sky　backed　this　up；　the　clouds　were　churning　
sluggishly　despite　the　
lack　of　breeze　on　the　ground。　The　closest　clouds　were　a　smoky　gray；　but　
between　the　cracks　I　could　see　
another　layer　that　was　a　gruesome　purple　color。　The　skies　had　a　ferocious　plan　
in　store　for　today。　The　
animals　must　be　bunkering　down。　
As　soon　as　I　reached　the　beach；　I　wished　I　hadn't　e—I'd　already　had　enough　
of　this　place。　I'd　been　
here　almost　every　day；　wandering　alone。　Was　it　so　much　different　from　my　
nightmares？　But　where　else　to　
go？　I　trudged　down　to　the　driftwood　tree；　and　sat　at　the　end　so　that　I　could　
lean　against　the　tangled　
roots。　I　stared　up　at　the　angry　sky　broodingly；　waiting　for　the　first　drops　to　
break　the　stillness。　
I　tried　not　to　think　about　the　danger　Jacob　and　his　friends　were　in。　Because　
nothing　could　happen　to　
Jacob。　The　thought　was　unendurable。　I'd　lost　too　much　already—would　fate　take　
the　last　few　shreds　of　
peace　left　behind？　That　seemed　unfair；　out　of　balance。　But　maybe　I'd　violated　
some　unknown　rule；　
crossed　some　line　that　had　condemned　me。　Maybe　it　was　wrong　to　be　so　involved　
with　myths　and　
legends；　to　turn　my　back　on　the　human　world。　Maybe　
No。　Nothing　would　happen　to　Jacob。　I　had　to　believe　that　or　I　wouldn't　be　able　
to　function。　
〃Argh！〃　I　groaned；　and　jumped　off　the　log。　I　couldn't　sit　still；　it　was　worse　
than　pacing。　
I'd　really　been　counting　on　hearing　Edward　this　morning。　It　seemed　like　that　
was　the　one　thing　that　might　
make　it　bearable　to　live　through　this　day。　The　hole　had　been　festering　lately；　
like　it　was　getting　revenge　for　
the　times　that　Jacob's　presence　had　tamed　it。　The　edges　burned。　
The　waves　picked　up　as　I　paced；　beginning　to　crash　against　the　rocks；　but　
there　was　still　no　wind。　I　felt　
pinned　down　by　the　pressure　of　the　storm。　Everything　swirled　around　me；　but　it　
was　perfectly　still　where　I　
stood。　The　air　had　a　faint　electric　charge—I　could　feel　the　static　in　my　
hair。　
Farther　out；　the　waves　were　angrier　than　they　were　along　the　shore。　I　could　
see　them　battering　against　the　
line　of　the　cliffs；　spraying　big　white　clouds　of　sea　foam　into　the　sky。　There　
was　still　no　movement　in　the　
air；　though　the　clouds　roiled　more　quickly　now。　It　was　eerie　looking—like　the　
clouds　were　moving　by　
their　own　will。　I　shivered；　though　I　knew　it　was　just　a　trick　of　the　pressure。　
The　cliffs　were　a　black　knife　edge　against　the　livid　sky。　Staring　at　them；　I　
remembered　the　day　Jacob　had　
told　me　about　Sam　and　his　〃gang。〃　I　thought　of　the　boys—the　werewolves—
throwing　themselves　into　the　
empty　air。　The　image　of　the　falling；　spiraling　figures　was　still　vivid　in　my　
mind。　I　imagined　the　utter　freedom　
of　the　fall　I　imagined　the　way　Edward's　voice　would　have　sounded　in　my　head
—furious；　velvet；　
perfect　The　burning　in　my　chest　flared　agonizingly。　
There　had　to　be　some　way　to　quench　it。　The　pain　was　growing　more　and　more　
intolerable　by　the　second。　
I　glared　at　the　cliffs　and　the　crashing　waves。　
Well；　why　not？　Why　not　quench　it　right　now？　
Jacob　had　promised　me　cliff　diving；　hadn't　he？　Just　because　he　was　
unavailable；　should　I　have　to　give　up　
the　distraction　I　needed　so　badly—needed　even　worse　because　Jacob　was　out　
risking　his　life？　Risking　it；　
in　essence；　for　me。　If　it　weren't　for　me；　Victoria　would　not　be　killing　people　
here　just　somewhere　else；　
far　away。　If　anything　happened　to　Jacob；　it　would　be　my　fault。　That　
realization　stabbed　deep　and　had　me　
jogging　back　up　to　the　road　toward　Billy's　house；　where　my　truck　waited。　
I　knew　my　way　to　the　lane　that　passed　closest　to　the　cliffs；　but　I　had　to　hunt　
for　the　little　path　that　would　
take　me　out　to　the　ledge。　As　I　followed　it；　I　looked　for　turns　or　forks；　
knowing　that　Jake　had　planned　to　
take　me　off　the　lower　outcropping　rather　than　the　top；　but　the　path　wound　in　a　
thin　single　line　toward　the　
brink　with　no　options。　I　didn't　have　time　to　find　another　way　down—the　storm　
was　moving　in　quickly　
now。　The　wind　was　finally　beginning　to　touch　me；　the　clouds　pressing　closer　to　
the　ground。　Just　as　I　
reached　the　place　where　the　dirt　path　fanned　out　into　the　stone　precipice；　the　
first　drops　broke　through　
and　splattered　on　my　face。　
It　was　not　hard　to　convince　myself　that　I　didn't　have　time　to　search　for　
another　way—I　wanted　to　jump　
from　the　top。　This　was　the　image　that　had　lingered　in　my　head。　I　wanted　the　
long　fall　that　would　feel　like　
flying。　
I　knew　that　this　was　the　stupidest；　most　reckless　thing　I　had　done　yet。　The　
thought　made　me　smile。　The　
pain　was　already　easing；　as　if　my　body　knew　that　Edward's　voice　was　just　
seconds　away　
The　ocean　sounded　very　far　away；　somehow　farther　than　before；　when　I　was　on　
the　path　in　the　trees。　I　
grimaced　when　I　thought　of　the　probable　temperature　of　the　water。　But　I　wasn't　
going　to　let　that　stop　me。　
The　wind　blew　stronger　now；　whipping　the　rain　into　eddies　around　me。　
I　stepped　out　to　the　edge；　keeping　my　eyes　on　the　empty　space　in　front　of　me。　
My　toes　felt　ahead　blindly；　
caressing　the　edge　of　the　rock　when　they　encountered　it。　I　drew　in　a　deep　
breath　and　held　it　。　。　waiting。　
〃Bella。〃　
I　smiled　and　exhaled。　
Yes？　I　didn't　answer　out　loud；　for　fear　that　the　sound　of　my　voice　would　
shatter　the　beautiful　illusion。　He　
sounded　so　real；　so　close。　It　was　only　when　lie　was　disapproving　like　this　
that　I　could　hear　the　true　
memory　of　his　voice—the　velvet　texture　and　the　musical　intonation　that　made　
up　the　most　perfect　of　all　
voices。　
〃Don't　do　this；〃　he　pleaded。　
You　wanted　me　to　be　human；　I　reminded　him。　Well；　watch　me。　
〃Please。　For　me。〃　
But　you　won't　stay　with　me　any　other　way。　
〃Please。〃　It　was　just　a　whisper　in　the　blowing　rain　that　tossed　my　hair　and　
drenched　my　clothes—making　
me　as　wet　as　if　this　were　my　second　jump　of　the　day。　
I　rolled　up　onto　the　balls　of　my　feet。　
〃No；　Bella！〃　He　was　angry　now；　and　the　anger　was　so　lovely。　
I　smiled　and　raised　my　arms　straight　out；　as　if　I　were　going　to　dive；　lifting　
my　face　into　the　rain。　But　it　was　
too　ingrained　from　years　of　swimming　at　the　public　pool—feet　first；　first　
time。　I　leaned　forward；　crouching　
to　get　more　spring　
And　I　flung　myself　off　the　cliff。　
I　screamed　as　I　dropped　through　the　open　air　like　a　meteor；　but　it　was　a　
scream　of　exhilaration　and　not　
fear。　The　wind　resisted；　trying　vainly　to　fight　the　unconquerable　gravity；　
pushing　against　me　and　twirling　
me　in　spirals　like　a　rocket　crashing　to　the　earth。　
Yes！　The　word　echoed　through　my　head　as　I　sliced　through　the　surface　of　the　
water。　It　was　icy；　colder　
than　I'd　feared；　and　yet　the　chill　only　added　to　the　high。　
I　was　proud　of　myself　as　I　plunged　deeper　into　the　freezing　black　water。　I　
hadn't　had　one　moment　of　
terror—just　pure　adrenaline。　Really；　the　fall　wasn't　scary　at　all。　Where　was　
the　challenge？　
That　was　when　the　current　caught　me。　
I'd　been　so　preoccupied　by　the　size　of　the　cliffs；　by　the　obvious　danger　of　
their　high；　sheer　faces；　that　I　
hadn't　worried　at　all　about　the　dark　water　waiting。　I　never　dreamed　that　the　
true　menace　was　lurking　far　
below　me；　under　the　heaving　surf。　
It　felt　like　the　waves　were　fighting　over　me；　jerking　me　back　and　forth　
between　them　as　if　determined　to　
share　by　pulling　me　into　halves。　I　knew　the　right　way　to　avoid　a　riptide：　swim　
parallel　to　the　beach　rather　
than　struggling　for　the　shore。　But　the　knowledge　did　me　little　good　when　I　
didn't　know　which　way　the　
shore　was。　
I　couldn't　even　tell　which　way　the　surface　was。　
The　angry　water　was　black　in　every　direction；　there　was　no　brightness　to　
direct　me　upward。　Gravity　was　
all…powerful　when　it　peted　with　the　air；　but　it　had　nothing　on　the　waves—I　
couldn't　feel　a　downward　
pull；　a　sinking　in　any　direction。　Just　the　battering　of　the　current　that　flung　
me　round　and　round　like　a　rag　
doll。　
I　fought　to　keep　my　breath　in；　to　keep　my　lips　locked　around　my　last　store　of　
oxygen。　
It　didn't　surprise　me　that　my　delusion　of　Edward　was　there。　He　owed　me　that　
much；　considering　that　I　
was　dying。　I　was　surprised　by　how　sure　that　knowledge　was。　I　was　going　to　
drown。　I　was　drowning。　
〃Keep　swimming！〃　Edward　begged　urgently　in　my　head。　
Where？　There　was　nothing　but　the　darkness。　There　was　no　place　to　swim　to。　
〃Stop　that！〃　he　ordered。　〃Don't　you　dare　give　up！〃　
The　cold　of　the　water　was　numbing　my　arms　and　legs。　I　didn't　feel　the　
buffeting　so　much　as　before。　It　was　
more　of　just　a　dizziness　now；　a　helpless　spinning　in　the　water。　
But　I　listened　to　him。　I　forced　my　arms　to　continue　reaching；　my　legs　to　kick　
harder；　though　every　second　
I　was　facing　a　new　direction。　It　couldn't　be　doing　any　good。　What　was　the　
point？　
〃Fight！〃　he　yelled。　〃Damn　it；　Bella；　keep　fighting。〃　
Why？　
I　didn't　want　to　fight　anymore。　And　it　wasn't　the　light…headedness；　or　the　
cold；　or　the　failure　of　my　arms　
as　the　muscles　gave　out　in　exhaustion；　that　made　me　content　to　stay　where　I　
was。　I　was　almost　happy　
that　it　was　over。　This　was　an　easier　death　than　others　I'd　faced。　Oddly　
peaceful。　
I　thought　briefly　of　the　clichés；　about　how　you　were　suppose　to　see　your　life　
flash　before　your　eyes。　I　was　
so　much　luckier。　Who　wanted　to　see　a　rerun；　anyway？　
I　saw　him；　and　I　had　no　will　to　fight。　It　was　so