永别了,武器(英文版)海明威著-第20部分

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〃You're　pretty　wonderful。〃
〃No　I'm　not。　But　you　mustn't　mind；　darling。　I'll　try　and　not　make　trouble　for　you。　I　know　I've　made　trouble　now。　But　haven't　I　been　a　good　girl　until　now？　You　never　knew　it；　did　you？〃
〃No。〃
〃It　will　all　be　like　that。　You　simply　mustn't　worry。　I　can　see　you're　worrying。　Stop　it。　Stop　it　right　away。　Wouldn't　you　like　a　drink；　darling？　I　know　a　drink　always　makes　you　feel　cheerful。〃
〃No。　I　feel　cheerful。　And　you're　pretty　wonderful。〃
〃No　I'm　not。　But　I'll　fix　everything　to　be　together　if　you　pick　out　a　place　for　us　to　go。　It　ought　to　be　lovely　in　October。　We'll　have　a　lovely　time；　darling；　and　I'll　write　you　every　day　while　you're　at　the　front。〃
〃Where　will　you　be？〃
〃I　don't　know　yet。　But　somewhere　splendid。　I'll　look　after　all　that。〃
We　were　quiet　awhile　and　did　not　talk。　Catherine　was　sitting　on　the　bed　and　I　was　looking　at　her　but　we　did　not　touch　each　other。　We　were　apart　as　when　some　one　es　into　a　room　and　people　are　self…conscious。　She　put　out　her　hand　and　took　mine。
〃You　aren't　angry　are　you；　darling？〃
〃No。〃
〃And　you　don't　feel　trapped？〃
〃Maybe　a　little。　But　not　by　you。〃
〃I　didn't　mean　by　me。　You　mustn't　be　stupid。　I　meant　trapped　at　all。〃
〃You　always　feel　trapped　biologically。〃
She　went　away　a　long　way　without　stirring　or　removing　her　hand。
〃'Always'　isn't　a　pretty　word。〃
〃I'm　sorry。〃
〃It's　all　right。　But　you　see　I've　never　had　a　baby　and　I've　never　even　loved　any　one。　And　I've　tried　to　be　the　way　you　wanted　and　then　you　talk　about　'always。〃
〃I　could　cut　off　my　tongue；〃　I　offered。
〃Oh；　darling！〃　she　came　back　from　wherever　she　had　been。　〃You　mustn't　mind　me。〃　We　were　both　together　again　and　the　self…consciousness　was　gone。　〃We　really　are　the　same　one　and　we　mustn't　misunderstand　on　purpose。〃
〃We　won't。〃
〃But　people　do。　They　love　each　other　and　they　misunderstand　on　purpose　and　they　fight　and　then　suddenly　they　aren't　the　same　one。〃
〃We　won't　fight。〃
〃We　mustn't。　Because　there's　only　us　two　and　in　the　world　there's　all　the　rest　of　them。　If　anything　es　between　us　we're　gone　and　then　they　have　us。〃
〃They　won't　get　us；〃　I　said。　〃Because　you're　too　brave。　Nothing　ever　happens　to　the　brave。〃
〃They　die　of　course。〃
〃But　only　once。〃
〃I　don't　know。　Who　said　that？〃
〃The　coward　dies　a　thousand　deaths；　the　brave　but　one？〃
〃Of　course。　Who　said　it？〃
〃I　don't　know。〃
〃He　was　probably　a　coward；〃　she　said。　〃He　knew　a　great　deal　about　cowards　but　nothing　about　the　brave。　The　brave　dies　perhaps　two　thousand　deaths　if　he's　intelligent。　He　simply　doesn't　mention　them。〃
〃I　don't　know。　It's　hard　to　see　inside　the　head　of　the　brave。〃
〃Yes。　That's　how　they　keep　that　way。〃
〃You're　an　authority。〃
〃You're　right；　darling。　That　was　deserved。〃
〃You're　brave。〃
〃No；〃　she　said。　〃But　I　would　like　to　be。〃
〃I'm　not；〃　I　said。　〃I　know　where　I　stand。　I've　been　out　long　enough　to　know。　I'm　like　a　ball…player　that　bats　two　hundred　and　thirty　and　knows　he's　no　better。〃
〃What　is　a　ball…player　that　bats　two　hundred　and　thirty？　It's　awfully　impressive。〃
〃It's　not。　It　means　a　mediocre　hitter　in　baseball。〃
〃But　still　a　hitter；〃　she　prodded　me。
〃I　guess　we're　both　conceited；〃　I　said。　〃But　you　are　brave。〃
〃No。　But　I　hope　to　be。〃
〃We're　both　brave；〃　I　said。　〃And　I'm　very　brave　when　I've　had　a　drink。〃
〃We're　splendid　people；〃　Catherine　said。　She　went　over　to　the　armoire　and　brought　me　the　cognac　and　a　glass。　〃Have　a　drink；　darling；〃　she　said。　〃You've　been　awfully　good。〃
〃I　don't　really　want　one。〃
〃Take　one。〃
〃All　right。〃　I　poured　the　water　glass　a　third　full　of　cognac　and　drank　it　off。
〃That　was　very　big；〃　she　said。　〃I　know　brandy　is　for　heroes。　But　you　shouldn't　exaggerate。〃
〃Where　will　we　live　after　the　war？〃
〃In　an　old　people's　home　probably；〃　she　said。　〃For　three　years　I　looked　forward　very　childishly　to　the　war　ending　at　Christmas。　But　now　I　look　forward　till　when　our　son　will　be　a　lieutenant　mander。〃
〃Maybe　he'll　be　a　general。〃
〃If　it's　an　hundred　years'　war　he'll　have　time　to　try　both　of　the　services。〃
〃Don't　you　want　a　drink？〃
〃No。　It　always　makes　you　happy；　darling；　and　it　only　makes　me　dizzy。〃
〃Didn't　you　ever　drink　brandy？〃
〃No；　darling。　I'm　a　very　old…fashioned　wife。〃
I　reached　down　to　the　floor　for　the　bottle　and　poured　another　drink。
〃I'd　better　go　to　have　a　look　at　your　patriots；〃　Catherine　said。　〃Perhaps　you'll　read　the　papers　until　I　e　back。〃
〃Do　you　have　to　go？〃
〃Now　or　later。〃
〃All　right。　Now。〃
〃I'll　e　back　later。〃
〃I'll　have　finished　the　papers；〃　I　said。




22


It　turned　cold　that　night　and　the　next　day　it　was　raining。　ing　home　from　the　Ospedale　Maggiore　it　rained　very　hard　and　I　was　wet　when　I　came　in。　Up　in　my　room　the　rain　was　ing　down　heavily　outside　on　the　balcony；　and　the　wind　blew　it　against　the　glass　doors。　I　changed　my　clothing　and　drank　some　brandy　but　the　brandy　did　not　taste　good。　I　felt　sick　in　the　night　and　in　the　morning　after　breakfast　I　was　nauseated。
〃There　is　no　doubt　about　it；〃　the　house　surgeon　said。　〃Look　at　the　whites　of　his　eyes；　Miss。〃
Miss　Gage　looked。　They　had　me　look　in　a　glass。　The　whites　of　the　eyes　were　yellow　and　it　was　the　jaundice。　I　was　sick　for　two　weeks　with　it。　For　that　reason　we　did　not　spend　a　convalescent　leave　together。　We　had　planned　to　go　to　Pallanza　on　Lago　Maggiore。　It　is　nice　there　in　the　fall　when　the　leaves　turn。　There　are　walks　you　can　take　and　you　can　troll　for　trout　in　the　lake。　It　would　have　been　better　than　Stresa　because　there　are　fewer　people　at　Pallanza。　Stresa　is　so　easy　to　get　to　from　Milan　that　there　are　always　people　you　know。　There　is　a　nice　village　at　Pallanza　and　you　can　row　out　to　the　islands　where　the　fishermen　live　and　there　is　a　restaurant　on　the　biggest　island。　But　we　did　not　go。
One　day　while　I　was　in　bed　with　jaundice　Miss　Van　Campen　came　in　the　room；　opened　the　door　into　the　armoire　and　saw　the　empty　bottles　there。　I　had　sent　a　load　of　them　down　by　the　porter　and　I　believe　she　must　have　seen　them　going　out　and　e　up　to　find　some　more。　They　were　mostly　vermouth　bottles；　marsala　bottles；　capri　bottles；　empty　chianti　flasks　and　a　few　cognac　bottles。　The　porter　had　carried　out　the　large　bottles；　those　that　had　held　vermouth；　and　the　straw…covered　chianti　flasks；　and　left　the　brandy　bottles　for　the　last。　It　was　the　brandy　bottles　and　a　bottle　shaped　like　a　bear；　which　had　held　k黰mel；　that　Miss　Van　Campen　found。　The　bear　shaped　bottle　enraged　her　particularly。　She　held　it　up；　the　bear　was　sitting　up　on　his　haunches　with　his　paws　up；　there　was　a　cork　in　his　glass　head　and　a　few　sticky　crystals　at　the　bottom。　I　laughed。
〃It　is　k黰mel；〃　I　said。　〃The　best　k黰mel　es　in　those　bearshaped　bottles。　It　es　from　Russia。〃
〃Those　are　all　brandy　bottles；　aren't　they？〃　Miss　Van　Campen　asked。
〃I　can't　see　them　all；〃　I　said。　〃But　they　probably　are。〃
〃How　long　has　this　been　going　on？〃
〃I　bought　them　and　brought　them　in　myself；〃　I　said。　〃I　have　had　Italian　officers　visit　me　frequently　and　I　have　kept　brandy　to　offer　them。〃
〃You　haven't　been　drinking　it　yourself？〃　she　said。
〃I　have　also　drunk　it　myself。〃
〃Brandy；〃　she　said。　〃Eleven　empty　bottles　of　brandy　and　that　bear　liquid。〃
〃K黰mel。〃
〃I　will　send　for　some　one　to　take　them　away。　Those　are　all　the　empty　bottles　you　have？〃
〃For　the　moment。〃
〃And　I　was　pitying　you　having　jaundice。　Pity　is　something　that　is　wasted　on　you。〃
〃Thank　you。〃
〃I　suppose　you　can't　be　blamed　for　not　wanting　to　go　back　to　the　front。　But　I　should　think　you　would　try　something　more　intelligent　than　producing　jaundice　with　alcoholism。〃
〃With　what？〃
〃With　alcoholism。　You　heard　me　say　it。〃　I　did　not　say　anything。　〃Unless　you　find　something　else　I'm　afraid　you　will　have　to　go　back　to　the　front　when　you　are　through　with　your　jaundice。　I　don't　believe　self…inflicted　jaundice　entitles　you　to　a　convalescent　leave。〃
〃You　don't？〃
〃I　do　not。〃
〃Have　you　ever　had　jaundice；　Miss　Van　Campen？〃
〃No；　but　I　have　seen　a　great　deal　of　it。〃
〃You　noticed　how　the　patients　enjoyed　it？〃
〃I　suppose　it　is　better　than　the　front。〃
〃Miss　Van　Campen；〃　I　said；　〃did　you　ever　know　a　man　who　tried　to　disable　himself　by　kicking　himself　in　the　scrotum？〃
Miss　Van　Campen　ignored　the　actual　question。　She　had　to　ignore　it　or　leave　the　room。　She　was　not　ready　to　leave　because　she　had　disliked　me　for　a　long　time　and　she　was　now　cashing　in。
〃I　have　known　many　men　to　escape　the　front　through　self…inflicted　wounds。〃
〃That　wasn't　the　question。　I　have　seen　self…inflicted　wounds　also。　I　asked　you　if　you　had　ever　known　a　man　who　had　tried　to　disable　himself　by　kicking　himself　in　the　scrotum。　Because　that　is　the　nearest　sensation　to　jaundice　and　it　is　a　sensation　that　I　believe　few　women　have　ever　experienced。　That　was　why　I　asked　you　if　you　had　ever　had　the　jaundice；　Miss　Van　Campen；　because……〃　Miss　Van　Campen　left　the　room。　Later　Miss　Gage　came　in。
〃What　did　you　say　to　Van　Campen？　She　was　furious。〃
〃We　were　paring　sensations。　I　was　going　to　suggest　that　she　had　never　experienced　childbirth……〃
〃You're　a　fool；〃　Gage　said。　〃She's　after　your　scalp。〃
〃She　has　my　scalp；〃　I　said。　〃She's　lost　me　my　leave　and　she　might　try　and　get　me　court…martialled。　She's　mean　enough。〃
〃She　never　liked　you；〃　Gage　said。　〃What's　it　about？〃
〃She　says　I've　drunk　myself　into　jaundice　so　as　not　to　go　back　to　the　front。〃
〃Pooh；〃　said　Gage。　〃I'll　swear　you've　never　taken　a　drink。　Everybody　will　swear　you've　never　taken　a　drink。〃
〃She　found　the　bottles。〃
〃I've　told　you　a　hundred　times　to　clear　out　those　bottles。　Where　are　they　now？〃
〃In　the　armoire。〃
〃Have　you　a　suitcase？〃
〃No。　Put　them　in　that　rucksack。〃
Miss　Gage　packed　the　bottles　in　the　rucksack。　〃I'll　give　them　to　the　porter；〃　she　said。　She　started　for　the　door。
〃Just　a　minute；〃　Miss　Van　Campen　said。　〃I'll　take　those　bottles。〃　She　had　the　porter　with　her。　〃Carry　them；　please；〃　she　said。　〃I　want　to　show　them　to　the　doctor　when　I　make　my　report。〃
She　went　down　the　hall。　The　porter　carried　the　sack。　He　knew　what　was　in　it。
Nothing　happened　except　that　I　lost　my　leave。




23


The　night　I　was　to　return　to　the　front　I　sent　the　porter　down　to　hold　a　seat　for　me　on　the　train　when　it　came　from　Turin。　The　train　was　to　leave　at　midnight。　It　was　made　up　at　Turin　and　reached　Milan